The Giving and Receiving of Care

On Tuesday afternoon, I made a home visit with a gentleman who has been a client of ours for nearly two years, and who has bonded deeply with his companion caregiver. As he described to me his gratitude for all of her assistance over the time that she's worked with him with tasks like bathing, preparing meals, and accompanying him on daily walks, I perceived his sense that the giving and receiving of care was a one-way street. I turned to his caregiver, and asked her to tell us something about what she has received during the time that she has been working with him. She told us about all of the things she has learned about San Diego from this client (an avid historian), her new appreciation for the beauty of a Protestant religious service (she is Catholic, but attends church with him at his chapel every Sunday), and about how much her English (which is her second language) has improved over the 18 months that they have been working together. Although her English is nearly grammatically perfect, she told him early on in their relationship that she was working to further improve it, and asked for his help when he noticed improper pronunciation or usage. She told us how invaluable she has found his assistance in this regard, how much she appreciates his kind ways of correcting her and teaching her about some of our language's oddities.

This struck me as an important lesson for us all, and brought to light a concept that is well-illuminated by William Thomas, M.D. in What Are Old People For?, his groundbreaking 2004 critique of the American long-term care system. He writes that "... the bulk of the suffering experienced by those confined to long-term care environments is due to the plagues of loneliness, helplessness, and boredom," and calls for a radical transformation in not only the provision of care but our deeply held beliefs about aging. The antidote to helplessness, according to Dr. Thomas, is the opportunity to give as well as to receive care. 

I watched my client's face light up in a huge smile as the caregiver spoke that afternoon, and knew that he was seeing for the first time the positive impact their time working together has had upon her as the care giver, as well as himself as the care receiver. It gave me a chance to reflect on the ways that we as care managers, and all of us who care about an older person, can create opportunities for late-life development. The moments are all around us.